Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
