You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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