i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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