i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
