God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
a search helicopter?!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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