My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
