tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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