I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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