shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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