can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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