The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
