I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
