she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
