You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
