Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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