Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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