My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
