I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
