do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
