Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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