in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
