I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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