were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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