So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
