is your mom at the bar?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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