I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
