Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
