margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
