Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
