Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
