Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
