chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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