When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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