Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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