Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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