I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
