there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
