Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
