All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
