My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
