I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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