help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
