You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
