he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
