He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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