Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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