Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just pee around me
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
