i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
