You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
