im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
