Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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