Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
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