i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
